letting go

long emo post ahead. i advise you to stop if you're in a good mood.

staying at home all day long has given me a chance to think what has my life had been like all these while. ever since i was young, studying has been my number one priority, nothing else, just studying to be successful in the future. since then, i have always push myself to do the best, or even over what i am capable of. stress and pressure has been a normal part of my life. i was told that if i didn't do well, i would disappoint both my parents. growing up, i tried my best to impress everyone around especially my parents because of all the disappointments and hurts my siblings brought to them. never have i once dared to do anything to hurt my parents therefore studying really hard and getting excellent results was my one priority. to make my parents proud and happy. now staying at home doing nothing, i feel like I've failed. I've failed everyone. all the effort i have put in. i failed. 

no one understands what i am going through and no i don't want pity. i know I've made stupid decisions, falling in love. many things i can't understand and all these hurts. what we use to have, something i felt special. i felt like i was the happiest girl and certainly the luckiest to have him love me. i finally felt like that emptiness was filled. i was loved by everyone. i love everything about it. i was in fact forced to go into IS and i intended to leave after i get my SPM results. but as time goes by, i felt happy again. not a feeling that comes and goes like the wind, genuine happiness. i felt like i belonged there. he made me feel like i had someone to go to, to depend on and someone to talk to all the time. i look forward to going to school to see him, sit with him, watch him sleep in class, hit him hard on the face, talk the whole night with him, hear him fall asleep and snore, just spending time with him. we were so much alike in many ways. i gave my all. i felt like i really had a great loving boyfriend. and then everything just starts to shatter. everything that i loved and trusted, fell apart. love is a big, beautiful and meaningful word, and i don't simply use it. it shouldn't be used in just any way. he promised he would make me fall in love with him. he promised we would watch the sunset together. he promised he wouldn't make me cry like how my ex made me. he promised we would go through everything together when my parents disagreed. he promised he would bring me to IS night which both of us worked hard in. he promised he would love me more today than yesterday. he promised his love was true and much greater than mine. and i believed it.

i don't understand what happened. i cannot understand. how can someone love you so much today and just stop tomorrow? how can you mean the world to that person this minute and not anymore the next? how can someone wish you were his this moment and not the next? can feelings just go away like that? how can he hurt me this way? doesn't he know that tears don't just dry like that? i love him.

the worse thing is that i cannot even bring myself to hate him. i hate myself. i hate myself for being not good enough. not even good enough to be compared to that girl.

unless you had someone you loved leave you like that then don't try to tell me how i should feel and forget. don't even judge cause you don't have the right to. i know i should let go.