heyyyyy ;) this feels weird, like very long i havent been online XD haha yesss i do miss blogging but im getting used to not blog. anyways, trials are over! *screaming and jumping! WOOOOOOOo :) the past few weeks has been really really hard, looking back, i dont know how i did it. how are my exams? well just to say that im really blessed i didnt jumped of a building. haha now i just realised that every paper takes only an hour. woah really really hard hour. study like a mad person for that hour. the hour that you would use your brain the most in your entire life. haha anyways its over and AS is in 3 weeks! :P oh yea, just to say, this exam is my very first time starting to study that early, i started earlier than a month before, WOAH if you know me, i never start that early. haha yeap :) one thing, thank God i have great friends here :) at least im beginning to feel belonged :) so many things i wanna blog about cause over these few weeks, ive been thinking a lot, thoughts that challenge who i am and how ive been as a christian. just cut it short, thoughts of regret.
took me quite some time to write this post, this post will be a meaningful one. ive been avoiding wanting to blog and to just blog a short one before church just now but i didnt well, cause simply i needed time to think through and all. i know you must be thinking that ive been busy studying and all, yes i was busy, not enough sleep but you know how random your thoughts are right? XD HAHA im starting to blab now. OH NO im like chung when she just finished her exam :O HAHA well errr here goes :) haha before that here are some vain pics XD i was too stressed out so yea ;) one thing, believe me, i have this confidence that comes from God that everything will be alright cause i have God. its like all these achievements that i have, i mean education wise, its because i have God on my side. i mean i dont study at all lah if theres no exam and no i dont do the extra things but somehow rather it works ;) a lot of people ask me about applying for dentistry in UK, i got nothing special but i dont know lah, its like i have this peace that i will make it. its a competitive course and all but i have God with me, what can go against that? im not bragging, im just saying that what makes me different is because i have a God who is bigger than everything ;)
oh yea ive been having my own korean drama/ movie marathon in my room. ive watched like an entire drama series in a day, i am that stressed XD HAHA anyways i just recently watched this korean drama, my gosh, its a really really sad drama. its like those super melancholic love story korean drama except that its a series! well i cried in all the episodes. thats how good it is. the story super sad lah, like two people were destined to meet but they didnt have fate. then its like the actors were really good, i could feel what they were trying to bring out. you guys wanna cry? go check out this series, its called tree of heaven :) only 10 episodes, enough to touch you and make you cry :) the quote i remember the most and touched me, 너를 지켜 줄 gye yea .미도. 영원히.
haha i cannot find the translation for the two words. haha
OMG IM SUPER EXCITED IM MEETING MY GIRLFRIEND TMR! :D
this was during the kids performance in church! i was all AWWW and tears wet my eyes. i miss praise kids :( BUTTTTT IM GONNA BE SERVING IN ACTS KIDS SOONNNNNNN :D
this was after my second last paper, i cannot tahan already with all the unhealthy eating so i decided to go fix my craving for Korean with my house mate! :D theres actually more food that this but we were too hungry to wait and take pics XD haha
ohhhh yea after my last paper, my friends and i went to bowl! :D if you know me, i love to bowl :) hehehe but i dont get to that often though.
after bowling i went to look for my babe :) i cannot believe what a shopaholic she is now XD HAHAHA never ever go out with this girl, shes dangerous XD i always shop with her around. dont know how we do it lah, its like even though its just pyramid where i go almost every day, i still manage to find something to buy with her! HAIIHHHHHH :P oh why baby clothes? HAHA i was looking for a gift for my eldest sis, you might not know but SHES GIVING BIRTH SOON TO MY NEPHEW! :D hehehehehe CONGRATS SIS ;D im proud of her! :D
this was the best i could do to hide my hideous eye bags, i tahan smiling that gao gao cause i would look like i dont have eyes. haha
like ghost movie right? HAHAHA GOTCHA :D my room punya light rosak and my room mate and i just came back and it was too late to inform the office and ngam ngam my roommate leaving back for her hometown. my own haunted room. haha
haha sorry for being so vain and all. this was after church and after tribe meeting. IM OFFICIALLY AN ACTS PARTNER! XD haha thats my name tag XD see it took me the whole day to think about what i wanna post XD LOL
okay well you know how ive transferred colleges and now im in KL? i thought it was the best decision at that time and that im gonna be alright. every time when someone asks me why i transferred, i tell them i had a scholarship that required me to, which is not entirely false but i know im lying. kills me every time people ask cause memories then start flooding back. i know how other people really thought of me, how stupid i was to just run away from everything. yes im constantly asking myself whether i made the right decision, how much regret i felt. im so screwed up inside that i needed time to myself. i just realised how sinful and lustful i was. just to let you know, lust can be just anything that you think that is not right. sin doesnt just come when you do it, it already started when you think about it. ive been so caught up with just leaving that in the end im the one who's regretting and hurting not only myself but other people around me. but still, i think this is Gods plan because if not, i wouldnt have came here and went to Acts. and i wouldnt have confronted with myself and deal with the hurt. a lot of people think that i must be crazy to be super good friends with guys that i was once involved with, honestly i think so too, but theres something inside me that is afraid that they will hate me. have you ever thought how scary it will be when someone who claims that they love you today but ended up hating you the next? i have. and i dont think i could ever hate anyone, its a sin btw. yeap every time when i think that im okay, emotions then attack me and i feel like im alone. i have super great friends but yea im alone. my friends here have been great help, im slowly letting go of my past. my friend once told me that everyone thought that im this super quiet girl who has been through a lot cause im always gazing and not concentrating. and that i just never tell them my past. no i have never ever mention anything about myself at all until a day. cause its just that what i remembered was all the anger and hurt and disappointment. have you ever held back your tears so badly that your whole body starts to shiver? its scary right? and every time when my friends talk about me and some other guy, theres this fear inside that history is going to repeat itself and then i keep my distance with that guy friend. then i start to think that i will hurt that guy if i be too close and im never going to be good enough. yea all the crap that i allow the devil to put in my head. im being honest, i miss what ive built in IS the past few months, friendships. heres something that i felt i needed to do.
dear you,
ive got to be honest with you. you were the first person i loved. i do miss you even now, i know it sounds crazy. thoughts of getting back keep surfacing in my mind and i might as though feel like i still have feelings for you. but theres this one thing that i cannot accept. i just cannot trust you. not once but twice. you remember last christmas? my best one yet so far. new years was something as well, i finally felt like you were serious. no i dont hate you, in fact i forgive you :) no i didnt break up and then straightly started another one to make you jealous. maybe i just felt empty inside. i didnt mean to break your heart as well. i didnt mean to hurt you. im so sorry. so many times that i wanted to talk to you but held back cause i know what im gonna feel after that. so many times that i miss you and thought of you. and i hate myself cause its wrong. so yea, you were the best to me.
to you,
so sorry things didnt work out. i still dont get what happened. im still confused. you brought the most happiness to me. it was my mistake to bring things too fast and i know that made you scared. i cannot seem let go. seriously almost every night when i close my eyes, i see you. no im not trying to make you feel bad and all by being close, i just want to make you feel better after everything and i want to make myself feel better for letting you be the reason i choose to leave. you broke my heart but i felt like i broke your confidence. if i could choose, i would rather we never met and cross paths. that way you wouldnt be this way. i am praying hard that one day we would be great friends again.
dear you,
words cannot express how sorry i am. so many times ive hurt you. i didnt mean to, im serious. it was never my intention. im so used to being such good friends with you that maybe i gave you the wrong idea. i love being friends with you, i love how you care for me. i know im selfish so yea. really really sorry. and now that the distant is there im being all scared and all cause maybe im feeling that youre not as caring for me as before. im sorry for being selfish. im gonna get used to the change. so sorry.
to you,
youre the one regret i had when i left. great friends today strangers tomorrow. sorry i hurt you, sorry i made you see me cry, sorry i left suddenly, sorry i failed you, sorry i made you feel you were second hand. my one prayer is to reconcile that relationship we had.
holding all these creates all the bitterness and i dont want to have intentions of sinning. pastor preached today that what makes Gods blessings stop flowing is because we dont have the same intentions as God's. even just having stupid thoughts is enough to make you sin. were actually all very selfish, thinking about ourselves and not what God wants. im gonna make an effort to love my God and everyone more! :D theres hope, joy and peace but love conquers all ;)
i choose to let go.
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